I realized recently that I’m not the mother I used to be. Before I had children I was the kind of the mother who is organized and confident. I knew what I would do in raising my kids and why my values were important to me. I planned for all kinds of healthy choices from food to toys and family time. I was a good mother.

Once I had kids, I put my good ideas to work and quickly realized that not all of them could stand up to reality. Still confident in my ability to do this mothering thing with one then two children, I taught my kids to listen to me and be safe. I was happy with the results of my mothering prowess and took compliments about my kids’ behavior in public like gold stars for a job well done. When my third child was born, I thought I had parenting figured out. I could respond to my toddler while nursing my infant and homeschooling my kindergartner. I was an experienced mother.

But my third child didn’t read my rulebook, or at least didn’t agree with the guidelines I’d set forth. All of my carefully honed mothering strategies simply didn’t work with her. She was a child who screamed in the middle of the store for no apparent reason, completely embarrassing and perplexing me. I wondered how I could end up with such completely different behavior from my thirdborn when I was the same mother to her as the first two. And therein lies the problem.

The arrivals of my third and fourth children scrambled my otherwise organized brain, challenged what I thought I knew about parenting, and moved me beyond my comfort zone in becoming the mother each one of my children needs to me to be. I no longer have it all figured out. Too often I fly by the seat of my pants when I instruct, correct, or respond to my children. I am constantly asking myself if I’ve handled a situation or behavior correctly. I still have values such as teaching my kids how to be confident and compassionate and how to work together as a team. I hope they will cherish the memories of family time and special outings that I work hard to create. But I now hold my values more loosely, realizing that each child requires different responses. In short, it’s not about learning specific tips or tricks as a mother; instead, it’s about adapting to each of my children in unique and meaningful ways in order to respond to their individual needs, personality, and calling. Now I am a growing mother.

My children are possibly the single-most significant source of personal growth in my life. They require the most of me and challenge my thinking and doing in ways nothing else can. The mere magnitude of the job is daunting and my own inadequacies are magnified in the ways I parent. In mothering I realize just how much I don’t know, how selfish I really am, and how unqualified I am to undertake such an important role in the lives of other, developing human beings. I have been entrusted with much, and this sense of awe inspires me to continue growing, no matter the cost to me.

As my children grow and mature, I am growing too. I need new skills to mother them in new seasons of life. My strategies for guiding them and encouraging them must adapt and change with each new challenge they face. With their growing independence, I must re-assess my role in their lives and look for ways to equip and empower them to make their own choices and handle their own consequences. My goal is no longer to be a good mother, or even an experienced mother. I will probably always be a growing mother, but my hope now is to be a wise mother.

It is wisdom I need to respond to the changing needs of my children. It is wisdom that will teach me how to guide them and model the values and behaviors I hope they will adopt. The only thing that can transform my shortcomings as a mother is when my decisions are infused with wisdom so I can grow into the mother my children need me to be. So I have become a student of my children, studying how they respond to me and the impact of my choices on each of them. I don’t always get it right, but I am always looking for lessons to learn.

I am not the mother I used to be. I no longer have it all together, and my best laid plans have gone by the wayside in favor of a realistic approach that takes into account bad days, tired mommies, and busy schedules. I have let go of the beautiful image of motherhood as a shining beacon for my children to follow and instead embraced the often frazzled, sometimes bewildered, and always committed version of motherhood I really am. You see, I’ve realized above all that mothering is not about molding my children into the people I want them to be; it’s about becoming the mother they need to create space for them to be who they already are.

Please share your thoughts in the comments. Where are you at in your parenting journey? What is the most important lesson you have learned so far?