One of my lifelong dreams has been to visit Malta, the tiny group of islands in the Mediterranean Sea where my grandparents grew up. At one point I set a goal to take a trip when I turned 30. I missed the goal, the birthday, and frankly, harbored the disappointment long after. The money and the time seemed insurmountable obstacles in the face of my everyday life and responsibilities.

With four kids, mortgage payments, and jobs to maintain, the hope of taking such a trip seemed to be slipping away. Until I got mad. Yes, an offhand remark by someone close to me made me angry. In my angry storm, I started to do some serious self-reflection about why I was so upset. The answer I discovered was the result of a goal thwarted, a hope denied, and a life full of responsibility with nothing to look forward to.

I realized that life may reach a “calm” state that would be right for the trip. If I was going to make it happen, I was going to have to jump in and “just do it,” in the words of Nike. At the urging of my husband, I pulled the trigger and booked the trip. Part of me swallowed hard at the expense of it. The responsible side of me felt a little guilty. But another part of me embraced the excitement of moving toward my dream.

With my teaching schedule set, I had to plan the trip months in advance – nine months to be exact – to take the time off. I was determined to enjoy the trip completely without work tasks to manage or nag at my mind. It was actually more difficult to turn down classes than I expected since I have accepted every class I’ve been asked to teach up to now, but I did it anyway. Each step has been emotionally uncertain and empowering at the same time.

The more I make plans to go, the more excited I am to take this major step. It is becoming clear to me that this is more than just a trip. I think it is a major milestone in my life that will mark a turning point for me. It is a learning experience in making this type of goal a priority and a lesson in stopping my work to make room for rest.

I secured my passport a few years ago, but this will be my first stamp in it. It marks an adventure in moving forward and a return to my heritage. My dad tells me our family name is inscribed in the floor of a church on Malta and our coat of arms is easy to find in tourist shops. I have great aunts and uncles and cousins I can’t wait to meet and towns to visit where my grandma and grandpa spent their childhoods.

This place holds more than historical landmarks and tourist attractions for me. It holds the story of my family, of where I came from. I imagine that connecting with my past will give me a greater vision for my future. I want to experience the streets and the churches and the sea air my grandma breathed. I want to dip my toes in the Mediterranean and remember the stories of my great-grandfather, the diver, and my grandmother’s excursions into the depths of the water. I want to see what shaped their lives and by extension shaped mine.

The journey I am taking is one across an ocean, but it is just as much internal as it is external. The journey through my family history and toward my dream is one that I’m convinced will create a lasting change in me. I do not expect to return the same.

~ Alyse